Star Wars vs. Star Trek: Make It So

Should the Q ever indulge a sci-fi cross-over, Star Trek versus Star Wars would be the ultimate confrontation. Initially, First Contact and diplomatic relations would be established. Chewbacca and Worf would spar on the holodeck, Leia and Captain Janeway could discourse on the merits of one bun or two, and of course Luke and Tom Paris would vie for top pilot in friendly races around the nearest binary system and back. All would be peaceful as hundreds of cultures attempt to forge forward as a single universe.

Trouble Begins

But then, Jar Jar Binks would no doubt lose a few people attempting to operate the transporter. The Doctor would grow tired of inoculating everyone against the dreaded Tatooine sand flea infestation. Before you know it, Han Solo and Chakotay are duking it out in the mess hall over who is the bigger womanizer while Spock is standing back reflecting on how fascinating it all is. That is, until a Jawa makes a crack about his ears and the universal translator is more harsh than usual. One Vulcan nerve pinch later, and a brawl erupts during which Wesley Crusher soils his Starfleet leotard.

Eventually, Jean Luc Picard would end up throwing Earl Gray tea, hot, into Darth Vader’s wheezing apparatus. Deanna Troi would sense a disturbance in The Force. Riker would get caught attempting relations with a bantha. It would end up with the Borg assimilating the Death Star and rabid Ewoks chasing tribbles through the Jeffries tubes.

The United Federation of Planets would then declare war on the Galactic Senate and the Empire. It would be a blood bath. All parties would side with their own reality, with the exception of the Ferengi, who would only be interested in the opportunity for profit via looting and theft during battle. At the head of these respective armies would be Captain Kathryn Janeway and Senator Amidala.

The Galactic Senate would soon see the error in selecting a child to lead them. Credibility would be lost during negotiations when her headpiece makes it impossible for her to enter the turbolift. Half of her entourage of silent, creepy hand maidens faint when Geordi La Forge takes off his visor. The other half run screaming when propositioned by a group of loud and randy Klingons on the observation deck. Amidala, alone, then trips over her ridiculous robes and falls headlong down the deckplating in front of the entire Federation, all of whom are restraining howls of laughter. Negotiations are halted when Janeway receives an irate communication demanding that Amidala return home as it is past her bedtime.

Meanwhile, Captain Janeway would be ruthless and cunning in her attack. Utilizing rotating shield harmonics, she would slice through most of the opposition. Despite the Empire’s heavier firepower, they lag behind in battle. After all, they can blast away for half an hour down a narrow hallway and not hit anything, so imagine the same problem in space. Conversely, targeting scanners give the Federation a decided advantage. The Empire’s gigantic, slow ships fall under the light, maneuverable Federation contingent.

However, the Empire does have one advantage- their hyperspace travel is faster and can be maintained longer. So, the war would rage for years as Empire factions go through long cycles of running, hiding, rebuilding, and then returning to attack once more. Every remote gas giant would become an Empire stronghold in the war.

As The Battle Rages On…

During the war, the Ferengi make several lucrative business deals. The Wookiees are more than interested in clothing and hair conditioner, while the Ewoks become addicted to growth hormone. After a few generations, the species merge as they become unidentifiable from one another. Glossy and soft, they decide to split from the war and take off to the Delta Quadrant. There, they introduce the Kazons to the wonders of hair grooming. The Kazons abandon dusty, matted horns of hair in favor of clean and well-groomed locks. The subsequent rise in self esteem causes them to embrace the Ocampa into surface life.

Another group to leave the war for parts unknown is the Borg. Having assimilated midichlorians, their nanoprobes are overcome with the incessant urge to skulk about in robes, fight on improbably-high catwalks, and monologue with all due grandeur when their foes are vanquished. The addition of midichlorians also causes fatal errors in engineering, and several cubes blow up without warning. It seems a large button marked ‘press here to blow up’ was somehow pressed. This melding of technologies also causes the Borg to grow braided rat-tails in their hair and develop a psuedo-BDSM hierarchy where those in higher ranks are masters and there are plenty of slaves to go around.

During the war, Picard dies in the bed of Princess Leia. Scandal ensues. It is discovered that she is pregnant with twins. She gives birth to them successfully and with no complications, but then dies for no apparent reason. It runs in the family. Her twins are then inexplicably raised as strangers apart from one another, only to be reunited later. They marry and get pregnant with twins. Services will be held at the Inter-Galaxy Chapel, arranged in advance, with a baby shower and adoption proceedings to follow.

Later, Janeway and Jabba the Hutt meet by chance at a all-night tribble roast held by Harry Kim and his lover, Watto. It is love at first sight. After a torrid whirlwind romance, they are married and produce several slug-like children. Together, they draw up a cease-fire agreement. Broadcasted on all subspace channels, the cease-fire proposal is the second-most viewed video on StarTube. The first, of course, being the disgusting sex tape of Riker and his bantha who are known to be holed up together somewhere in a cheap hotel on Risa.

The cease-fire talks rage for over four years. The most contentious issues are argued in huge Federation/Senate/Empire town halls known loosely as ‘The Inter-Reality Reactionary Institute for Technological And Biological Learning Engagement’. Or, IRRITABLE for short. There, yelling and mud-slinging goes on day and night. The universal translator core shorts out every few days, R2D2 is continuously mistaken for a trash receptacle, and time and again the Vulcans must be reminded that if they say the words ‘logical’ or ‘fascinating’ they must serve a time-out period.

The war eventually ends when, during a heated battle, neither side can be sure who should fire upon a single ship. The USS TimeFrame is crewed by members from both factions that have inter-married and inter-bred. The entire idea of there being two sides anymore becomes pointless. After a long, hesitant monologue by Kirk and a few moans from Chewy, it’s over. The war rages for just over fifteen years.

The End Result

After the war, years are spent drawing up new treaties and laws between all of the different races and factions that this huge rift in space/time has created. The Q return to gloat once more, and refuse to separate the two realities. Lots of witty comments ensue, and finger-snapping goes on with impunity.

In the years following, Chakotay and Han Solo pursue an intimate relationship and quietly settle in San Francisco where Chakotay teaches at the former StarFleet Academy, now known as simply The Academy of the Stars. Leotards remain the uniform and ugly robes of all kinds are prohibited planet-wide.

Spock and Torres give birth to a child who is half human, a quarter Vulcan, and a quarter Klingon. They name him Charles and he grows up to be an erotic dancer in the same club Jabba and Janeway manage in Las Vegas. Torres eventually leaves Spock for a career in targ breeding on the Klingon homeworld, where she eventually breeds a three-headed targ and receives galaxy-wide recognition.

Wesley Crusher marries a string of Ocampan women who are now on Earth due to the use of the Empire’s faster hyperspace technology. Humiliated by incontinence under pressure, he works as a janitor in the Academy and eventually leaps to his demise after the death of his seventh wife. His own mother, Beverly, did not attend the service as she was attending Riker’s inter-species wedding on Risa at the time, but did make a donation in his name to the National Honors Society.

A band of feral Jawas take up residence in the Nevada desert, where they complain constantly of lights in the sky, anal probes, and abductions. They refuse all offers of orthodontic help and are believed to be in league with a small cadre of rogue Vulcans. Together, they build large, anatomically-correct sand sculptures of Kirk and Picard and worship them as gods. Janeway is seen as the devil and is often depicted with horns and gigantic breasts.

Oh yes, I can see it all so clearly now! The war and subsequent harmonious meshing of the Star Wars and Star Trek worlds. If only the Q would grant us this amusing mash-up of realities. How could it get any more interesting? Well, throw in the hotties from BattleStar Gallactica, and I don’t know what would happen. Oh, and Firefly…

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